Day 46: Checkin' In: Walking Into the Self

(Mile 668.5 to 689 = 20.5 miles)

It is the little things that capture your
attention after awhile - like these
crusty pioneers.

So, as promised, a follow-up with a mental check-in ...

Overall, I am doing well (despite the fact that the solitude nearly made me crazy those final days in the desert.)  I have been consistently happy out here and feel rather content.  I'd like to see people back home, and I wouldn't mind being clean, but I really feel no pull to be there right now.  I don't belong there just yet.  I do belong out here.  Every day I still get that overwhelming feeling of fullness, vitality -- that falling in love feeling where it seems as if your chest might burst you're so wildly happy.

I did spend some time these past few days seeing how I was progressing with the things I had set out to work on out here.  There are two future-oriented items I had wanted to just put in the back of my mind to let roll around.  Away from the commotion of the regular world, in a new setting, and with plenty of solitude, the Trail is a good time to test your gut reactions.  I'm looking for some feedback on family and career. 

I never have made the final call on whether or not I'd want a family, and at 34, there isn't much more time left to decide.  I'm mostly waiting for my gut to help me out on that one; though I am making a point to talk to new friends about it.  As for the career, I've been pretty sure I am on the right path, and a quick check with the gut confirms it.  I love being a park ranger -- I love teaching, working with all ages, working with and in the outdoors, responding to occasional emergencies, and having a job that responds to the seasons.  What remains is, "What's next?"  I do not have an answer for this yet; but I know a change of some sort is in my future.  Journeys like these leave you a different person.  I trust it will transfer over into work life as well.  And I am excited about the possibilities.

Trail magic always improves the quality of a day!

In addition to the gut decisions, I headed out here with a couple of other things to work on more actively.  Since about the age of nineteen, I have been working on getting to know and understand myself -- strengths, weaknesses, tendencies, etc.  It has been a long and interesting journey.  And, of course, one that is never over.  Part of the reason I am out here is to continue this work.  The stresses of this trek along with copious time for thinking and the meditative, healing ways of nature make for a grand opportunity for self-improvement.

Whatever happens during the day, they almost always end
on a good note.

I am working on two things:  1) Balancing my driver, perfectionist, serious ways with a bit more lightheartedness.  This is a challenge for me.  I tend to go one way or the other.  And I like the driver, perfectionist, serious side of me -- that's who planned this trip, afterall!  But, that side can create quite a burden, and my pack is heavy enough already.  I am sure I will always struggle with this, but I do think I can make some progress out here.  There are plenty of curve balls to throw off a planner like myself.  2)  Becoming more self-assured.  Most who meet me might not guess that this is an issue for me.  And I have been working on it since I waited on my first table at Gwen's Restaurant at the tender age of sixteen.  I have come a long way since those days.  And I am happy with where I am.  But I feel that I am on the brink of finally becoming who I am meant to be, living the life I am meant to live.  I want to just break through that last bit that is holding me back.  I don't know how I will accomplish this, but I have a feeling a trip like this might somehow do it.  It is hard to tell, but I do think I am moving forward with these two projects as well.

I'll check in again on all if this in another month or so.  Perhaps after California.  For now, all is well.  Bring on the Sierras!